Ordinary Thoughts

Some couple of years ago, I was the man I wanted to be. I have bundles of friends from college, despite my being a novice. Not to mention my ever loyal friends from high school who’ve proven their worth to me. Of course I also have my course mates and new friends from other subjects.

In short, life was good and easy then. Or, at least I made it good if I may put it that way. But I’m not sure if I’ve realized what I had that time. I’m not even sure if I have the smallest idea how blessed I am to be given such wonderful people.

Perhaps I was not aware because I’m too confident that I will not lose them. I will not lose them because I have adequate time and attention for them. Time to bond with them, and cultivate the friendship we planted together so it will grow. Another factor maybe is because during that time, I’m not pressured to budget my time yet. Time which is utterly indispensable in any type of relationship to work based on my experience.

Before, aside from my whole day school rituals, I still have energy to hang out with them if I have vacant periods, or at night time and even during weekends. If I cannot be with them, I can always reach out through text message or email and the like.

But I believe it is really true that as we advance in life, we learn the limits of our abilities. We come to the point in our lives wherein we can no longer divide our time equally for everyone who needs it. We have to sacrifice the rest because we have no other choice.

The more we take higher steps in our academic journey, the more time it demands. The more we strive to excel in one field, the more we lose the others. We have to learn to set our priorities in life. This is one hell of a fact that we have to swallow. I know it sucks but it’s the reality.

And I got my fair share of this reality. I lost friends beyond my knowing. I mean I am uncertain if I have become busy or the other way that I was oblivious of their departure. They left me one by one until nothing is left to me but their traces, and some few remaining persons whom I can only count with my fingers.

I panicked like a child who cannot find his way back home until dark comes and he’s left alone in the middle of nowhere. I did all possible things to bring them back but I failed. They’re even reluctant to listen to it. It’s as if there’s nothing I can do to change the decision they’ve already fixed.

Then I also have to have a fixed decision for myself. If they have given it up that easy, why can’t I? If it is less complicated to let the person go then why keep them? Why will I make it hard for myself? Friends come and go anyway.

Eventually, I gave up on them. Slowly and gradually, I detached myself from them, no matter how hard and painful it is to put into action. And then later on, I realized that if they really are my friends, they shouldn’t have left me. Rather, they should’ve understood me as I do to them. Isn’t friendship supposed to be that way? Anyway, I’ll leave my door ajar should they decide to enter again. But I’ll be wiser and prudent (if this is the proper term) this time. This is now the man I have to be.